Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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