The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
