I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
