She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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