I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
