I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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