i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
