You're my little dorito
she was so not down for the gang bang
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
