moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
