How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
