If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
