Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
