fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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