Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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