I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
