i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
