dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
