Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
