He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
