I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
