my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
