Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
