I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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