Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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