everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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