i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
