bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I touched a dick in church today
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
