They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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