My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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