I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
