Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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