dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
