woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
