I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
