Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
