i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
