You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
