I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
