You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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