dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
