tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
