Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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