It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
