I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
