I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
