cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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