You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
