we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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