There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
