just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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